A Person of Color

I am a person of color. Not for me, this black and white.

I crave a world of green, with staircases fit for a Queen.IMG_9879

A vista of blue with a sparkling view…IMG_7707

Puffs of gold, flashes of pink, swirls of scarlet down near my feet.IMG_9338 IMG_9035 IMG_7731

Amidst so many colors, these past few weeks have felt summery sweet. Yet the headlines ticking along the top of my consciousness seem shrouded in fog, buried in dark. All black or white. Just or unjust. But then – a familiar flash of steel-gray appears, wherein one freezes, runs, closes their eyes, weeps, eventually turns the other cheek. Because what can you do? I know. You know. We all know which color reigns supreme. Steel metal wins, every time, all around. It is the one color so many rely on, in the end.

We are a country held prisoner by our love-hate relationship with cold, shiny metal.  We are a nation yielding to antiquated black and white thinking on issues every shade of gray. We shuffle along, our leaden metallic weapons hidden down our pants or under our coats, believing that the right to protect ourselves trumps the rights of our children, our nation, our moral consciousness. We all bear the scars of accepted brutality and senseless waste of life, and we all should carry the shame of how cavalierly we label this violence ‘self-defense’ and not the cowardice that it truly is. Weapons are indeed the problem. We’ve arrived at the point in our evolution where man no longer needs to use his brains or savvy to control anger or solve issues. BOOM! With one flick of the finger the conflict’s over. It’s that fast. No thought necessary.

I am a pacifist. I do not believe that violence ends violence. That weapons solve problems. I believe that we are highly evolved creatures capable of navigating the world successfully without weapons. And that those who do so are the ones who, historically, we admire and revere as the utmost example of enlightened human possibility.

Truly now this country, my country, feels color blind. A sea of red, oozing down the street, bleeding down our sidewalks, pooling at our feet doesn’t change a thing. Black and white are still the colors of fear and domination, and metallic gray is the answer.

What if every gun were replaced with a paintbrush? What would the world look like then? What would the world feel like if every person could spend the day dipped in another’s skin color now and again?

One day, quite soon, white people will not hold the majority on ‘best’ skin type. More and more we are becoming a world of browns – of taupes and mochas, cinnamons and caramels. Before our very eyes the world warms, and we white people swirl around in our own superior juice like bits of brisket in the melting pot of life - even as we brown, bit by bit.

As I gaze at the swirling skies, I wonder…will white folks resort more and more to the color of metal and steel as our skin power fades away? Can humans put down their weapons and visualize a world beyond black and white?IMG_7715

I don’t have any answers. I only have myself and my paintbrush, tucked now in my coat pocket, ready to be drawn at a moment’s notice. It’s my weapon of choice for such a black and white world. The one accoutrement that makes me feel secure as I wander along, searching for rainbows. For I want to live as a person of color.IMG_6540IMG_7648

At- TEN- HUT!

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I am supposed to be baking cookies right now. Chocolate chip cookies, for my girls to pass out to their classmates, in honor of their tenth birthdays arriving this weekend. Except I don’t want to bake cookies. Especially not…let’s see here…27 kids per class, two classes, each kid needs two cookies, plus teachers, plus aides…is that 112 cookies?IMG_1779

Have you seen that movie Office Space, where the guy goes to work every day and then one day he just doesn’t? He just stops going to work, or rather, he shows up but doesn’t actually do any work, or even pretend to work? Well, that’s me. My parental expiration stamp – ‘Good until 6/13/13′ – has come to pass. I can no longer muster up the mojo to be excited about any kind of kid stuff – teacher appreciation week; birthdays; pajama day; music recitals; animal plays; memory books; field trips; graduations; yearbooks; swim team try outs; slumber parties; class registrations; sports banquets; award ceremonies…(I really could go on and on). I feel like I’ve bought it all, done it all, sat through it all, and I just can’t bake any damn cookies anymore!

It doesn’t help that my kitchen is a mess. That I should technically unload and then reload the dishwasher before I begin. Nor does it help that when I did get up the gumption to bake two days ago – gathered all the ingredients, pre-warmed the oven, found the mixing bowls, retrieved enough salt from the salt shakers – the butter was cold. I had to set it all aside and wait for ‘the softening’ to occur, and of course now it’s been aside, it’s still aside, and the butter is very soft indeed, but instead of making cookies I dribble puddles of lard onto sourdough bread, then bury it under jelly, pour some more coffee, all while carefully averting my eyes from the oven’s general direction.

Just last week I wrote a disgruntled post on Facebook about having to attend interminable music concerts, and one of our friends, a very gifted and devoted music teacher (ALL of our friends are music teachers, so I picked a good topic!) wrote back “pfft…why bother going?” Which I’ll admit is a fair and pertinent question. I guess my honest answer would be ‘duty’, ‘obligation’, ‘a few seconds of pride and delight and happiness while watching my child perform, which is then quickly overtaken by prickly hot flashes; crying babies; fleeting stomach cramps; intermittent prayers that the dropped instruments rolling underneath the chairs are not the ones I am currently paying for; a weird, persistent, blinking light on the camera (is it even working?); the sudden overwhelming desire to be outside, in fresh air, with a cocktail or two.’DSC00581

Obviously, the concerts are not designed to please me, specifically. Yet the music teachers must know that I’ve heard these songs before. I’ve seen my kids, your kids, these exact kids perform these exact songs ad infinitum (Often all at the same time, in my living room or front yard). I’ve been to lots and lots of recitals and shows and performances, and when they last more than an hour, while you sit there with your sweaty, whiny kids (or your seat-mates’ sweaty, whiny kids), and your child appears on stage in the back row and you can see half of her left ear while she’s performing, and you have another kid performing at the exact same time across the neighborhood at another school, and that kid is of course heartbroken that you’re not attending her concert, and you’ve already had to drop off one kid here, then drive back to drop off another kid over there, then gather up more kids at home to attend said concert here, while another segment of the family’s set to walk there, and you’re assuming you can all meet up afterwards over there (except that the concerts are two hours long and counting), and your kid tells you in the car on the way over that their ‘Japanese story book’ that they can’t find and haven’t actually started is due in the morning, and none of you have eaten dinner or had any wine at all…um, let’s just say the novelty has worn off.

Clearly, I acknowledge that this is a cop-out answer and does not qualify me for any parenting awards. But mostly I think – my poor twins! This sour attitude was not one I carted around as a new mother, when Jacob had a Mother’s Day Tea and I went out and bought a skirt to wear and had my nails done and was standing at the door ready to go two hours early, just counting down the minutes till I could drive up to the kindergarten! I am no longer the same mother who, upon being told that Eli was doing poorly in third grade because he refused to capitalize any letters or put periods at the end of his sentences went marching in to his classroom, plopped my booty down into a tiny blue molded chair, then spent the day looking for each and every string of words that made any sort of sense, whispering kindly and patiently in Eli’s ear, “What did you forget here, honey?” Yes, that’s right. A capital. See, when you start a sentence you are proclaiming something to the world. You must make your letters stand up very straight and tall so the world will listen. “Look over here and be quiet while I tell you something important!” the capital exclaims. Just like that. Oh dear…now you’ve forgotten again. A capital, remember? See, your pencil is like the soldier standing at attention. And the capital is his way of yelling at his troops – ‘Atten-HUT! There, you’ve got it! And what do we put at the end, when you’re all done? A period! See, like this…because your soldier has finished his thought, and at long last he can rest. Doesn’t that little dot look nice there…ah! It looks so restful, like a little pillow for your soldier to lay his head upon. See, the pencil and your sentences are like a great, big, important play on a stage - First comes the soldier who shouts ‘Listen up, world!’ Then he spells out his noble thoughts and actions until finally…at long, long last he proclaims, ‘Ta Da! My heart has been heard, my duty is done…this sentence is at peace.’ (Here he bows, lies his head upon the pillow, and adds, ‘You may clap for me now, if you’d like.’)

My two girls have had quite a different mother from that mother altogether. They have had an impatient, cranky, ‘Are you kidding me? You can’t be bothered to put a period in there? It’s one tiny, stupid dot! Ugh! Well, go ahead and fail the third grade then, missy…It’s all job security to me!” kind of mom.

With my first few children I never yelled. I willingly made cookies. I was fairly excited to attend their beginning recitals and plays and performances. Overall I was young and optimistic and downright indulgent, to the point that one day I begged Damon to play hooky from work and instead have a ‘lego’ day with me and the boys. I quite clearly remember handing him a credit card and telling him to, “race to Toys R Us’, buy a ton of legos, while I stay here and bake cookies! We’ll set up a whole lego town and put the boys’ trains around it…how cool will that be?”

Damon hand-made our first three kids incredible loft beds and train tables and toy shelves, while every single thing the twins have ever owned has been bought at Ikea or Target, but mainly Goodwill. We’ve had no money for them to ‘try’ baseball or preschool or girl scouts or any other jet-setting activity middle-class, fairly privileged kids normally get to have a go at.  The mediocrity of “living within our means” has supplanted mortgaging the house for legos. These little girls have just been carted around like two extra suitcases shoved helter-skelter into the car, dragged here and there to all the other kids’ events, and now, finally, it is time for their events, and I can’t find the inner willpower to slap a smile on my face and just bake the darn cookies.

Yesterday, out of desperation, I went to the store. I was ready to break down and just buy the cookies. But I couldn’t…literally.  I mean, how crazy expensive are cookies now? With twelve to a box, I would need four boxes per girl, no, five? And they’re how much? Obviously whatever I buy can’t contain nuts or corn syrup, which wipes out every single cheaper alternative, and oh, for pity sake…I better just bake the cookies, right?

But I can’t. And that’s the point of this post, I guess. I feel like I’ve rambled on and on for years, mostly just about me, and mothering, moan, moan, moan…and now this dribbling, dragging sentence is at long, long last, yearning for a period…aching for peace. 100_0718 100_0256 IMG_6563

My twins turn ten tomorrow. Ten! Where have I been, that my youngest are ten? Technically they’re not even ‘young’ anymore! My job feels like suddenly it should be outsourced, to someone younger, fresher, cheaper. Someone bilingual, willing to work night shifts, capable of baking 112 cookies. Someone who knows better than to serve young charges alcoholic beverages, then pose for picture proof while they’re still clinking glasses together.DSC05888I hope one day, some day, my girls can look past the cantankerous me and know that my love for them out shadows my enthusiasm by a gazillion. That if I could, I would enroll them in a billion summer camps and take them to a million fun places. And that the reason I will continue to sit through thousands of hours of recitals and plays and concerts and assemblies is because of them. It’s their cute little left ear I’m staring at up there, under the bright lights, shining, shining, that little person I helped mold morphing into their own, truer self right before my eyes…100_0928email DSC08843 DSC00445 IMG_7242 IMG_6874 IMG_5456

My heart has been heard, my duty is done…at long, long last this sentence – this wondrous, adventurous, doubly-delightful sentence - is at peace.DSC00580

(You may clap for them now, if you’d like…)IMG_1278 IMG_9330IMG_5693

Feeling Particulier….(Paris, Day Two)

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Within twenty-four hours of landing in Paris, Damon managed to receive a personal invitation to an art gallery opening featuring the French artist herself. And yes, wine was included. Ooh-la-la!

This happened because wherever we went, Damon kept popping his head into open doorways with the enchanted smile of a six-year-old. He’d wave excitedly at anyone who looked his way then cry out, “Bon Jour!” heartily, loudly, and voila! Sometimes he (and often we) were invited in!

This is exactly what happened as Damon and I wandered through the fabled, gabled streets of Montmarte, on our first full day awake and alert in Paris. We had spent the morning walking up and down the Seine; sipping enormous café cremes at Deux Maggots where Hemingway used to eat;

This was our exact view as we dined outside!

This was our exact view as we sat outside at Deux Maggots!

marveling at the intense swirl of colors in Monet’s ‘The Nympheas’, displayed in stark, all-white rooms at the L’Orangerie museum;

This is what it's like inside the museum...picture by time.com(they do not allow visitors to take any photos inside, sadly).

This is what it’s like inside the museum…picture by time.com(they do not allow visitors to take any photos inside, sadly).

…and of course stopping and shopping at cheese stores, bread stores, patisseries, even pharmacies (which are all lit up with neon crosses, which is just brilliant and so helpful!)…IMG_2270 IMG_2274 IMG_2275 IMG_2476 IMG_2478At some point we plopped ourselves down in two of the aqua-green metal chairs scattered throughout the Luxembourg Gardens, nibbling our goodies while sipping Perriere and Sangria, conveniently sold from gypsy-like crepe-carts tucked between the trees. Contentedly we basked in the sunshine. Children pushed sailboats across the pond with long, wooden sticks while we took photos and ate and snickered at our newfound love of the delicacy known as Paris Brest!DSC_0151IMG_2513IMG_2517So we were already quite tired and wonder-weary when we disembarked from the subway mid-afternoon to begin the steep ascent to Montmartre and the infamous Sacre Coeur. Still, the renowned hilltop enclave managed to take our breath away. We began at the  international ‘Love Wall’ and wound our way higher and higher, up steep (nearly vertical) staircases clear to the clouds. Here we became one with the masses of humans swarming everywhere – in cafe’ doors, on elevated bar stools, roaming the patches of grass and roads blanketing the immense Sacre Coeur, while the brazen and bizarre among us tried to sell their handmade wares.IMG_2412

DSC_0075 DSC_0077IMG_2421We stood and gaped and tried to mesh our ‘Amelie’ version of Sacre Coeur with the real-life version of Sacre Coeur – how the grass seemed much narrower in person, more crowded, the carousel not nearly so prominent. Yet the cathedral – oh my! DSC_0100 DSC_0099 IMG_2443IMG_2427 IMG_2471

And the view! DSC_0079The scope and size of everything in Paris was simply overwhelming. Coming from California and Washington State, Damon and I had never seen anything like it. We had never casually walked past, or through, or around buildings this big, this old, this grand, this ornamental. I peered upwards, inwards, down the street…

Pardon et moi...who lives here, in this adorableness, right across the street in the shadow of the Sacre Coeur?

Pardon et moi…who lives here, in this adorableness, right across the street in the shadow of the Sacre Coeur?

searching in vain for the Eiffel tower, which could not be seen from the cathedral grounds. This felt disappointing, which was a weird feeling to have given where we were. Yet all the walking and being ‘on the go’ was beginning to sap my enthusiasm. And unfortunately, I was too tired to even contemplate a cart-wheel, especially on such steep grass…one of the main goals on my ‘If I ever go  to France I will do a cart-wheel with the Eiffel Tower in the background’ agenda. Alas!

Oh...there it is! You have to walk down the street a ways from the grass and then you can spot the Eiffel tower. And you can even take a picture if you are willing to climb a wall!

Oh…there it is! You have to walk down the street a ways from the grass and then you can spot the Eiffel tower. And you can even take a picture if you are willing to climb a wall!

Standing there I felt cranky and worn out and ready for dinner. But it was only 7pm. What was I thinking? In Paris everyone dines fashionably late. Meaning very late – way past my bedtime. So on we went, passing the time traversing crooked little alleyways, trying to retrace all of the ‘Amelie’ attractions. Halfway down Rue Des Tres Freres, Damon paused to relocate ourselves on our map. I kept walking to the end of the block and only paused at the triangular green grocers on the corner to turn back and wonder where on earth Damon was. I was truly so tired and out of sorts and feeling peculiar that I barely noticed I was standing right in front of the green grocers – the Amelie grocers! I didn’t even take a picture of it, ack! (Mon dieu!)

No, I didn't take even one photo...this is from Wikipedia!

No, I didn’t take even one photo…this is from Wikipedia!

Mostly I was looking for Damon, who had his head stuck in an open doorway halfway down the street. He was gesticulating wildly to someone, and I couldn’t image what he could possibly be saying in French when he gave a wave and with a literal bounce in his step came galloping towards me.

“We’ve just been invited in to that artist’s gallery opening back there!” he gushed. “They’re serving wine and offered me some but I couldn’t find you, and we really should head to the Hotel Particulier…” here he trailed away, while I stared at him, agape. “I told them we had dinner reservations and probably couldn’t attend, unfortunately…”

You managed to say all that in French?” I gasped, truly astounded.

“Well, French and hand signals…a mixture, really. My French is not bad, you know!”

After that stunning turn of events, we wandered down even more impressive walkways…past windmills and ivy-clad alleys where rich Parisians lived within iron fences and secret gardens…all in the hopes of finding the Hotel Particulier, a dining spot I had read about online, which offered outdoor dining in one of those aforementioned ‘secret’ gardens.IMG_2470 IMG_2468 DSC_0092

Yet this place was so secret that Damon and I could not find it at all. Not on the map. Not after asking in a bar for help. Finally we stopped in front of where the hotel should be given the address. Yet there was no building, only a gate and buzzer, which we rang to no effect. Just then a man pulled up in a car, motioned us in with a wave of the hand. Next a woman leaned out a window high overhead and told us to walk till we found the ‘witch’s rock’. Seriously! We felt like Alice tumbling down the Rabbit Hole. We had entered a place most peculiar indeed! Obediently we followed the gravel path, up a small incline, past tall, white houses or hotels, who knew…and finally there it was – a great, big, bumpy rock, and next to it another gate with another buzzer, and my word! Look at that: DSC_0109

This was where we were having dinner! In Paris! In Montmartre! In a secret garden next to a witches rock! Mon Dieu!

Nervously we rang the buzzer. A man in a black suit ushered us through the graveled garden into the Hotel Particulier, where we were seated in a private dining room! Incredulous, we sat down. Within moments Soutine the cat jumped into my lap. Wine appeared, bread was procured, then what appeared to be the fanciest fish-n-chips of all time was set down in front of us from off of a silver tray as if we were royalty, and all we could do was laugh hysterically and pet the cat and stare over our shoulder at Mr. Deer and drink more wine.DSC_0114 DSC_0111 DSC_0124

Throughout the evening Damon and I fidgeted and giggled like nervous children, feeling entirely out-of-place within this particular Hotel, but enchanted beyond words. As the sun set a man who looked like Johnny Depp came and sat outside in the courtyard, trailing cigarette smoke into the air, wrapped in a sky-blue scarf, and soon other beautiful young French people joined him, and we were smitten, biting into our candied pears there amongst the red-velvet walls.

After twenty-four hours on the ground, Paris seemed a most particular place, indeed, and we felt pretty pleased to be a part of it.

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And on our walk back to the hotel we saw this…

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and this! (the restaurant where Amelie worked in the film)

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and this….sigh!

Tourte Magique (Paris, Day 1)

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We flew to Paris above the clouds, sipping wine, stunned by the never-fading starlight swirling outside the window, the sudden turn of events in our lives.

A trip across the pond was first mentioned in February, when Damon returned from work in downtown Seattle and hastily muttered, “I have to go to Europe in a few weeks. For work. Paris. Amsterdam. London. Please don’t leave me.”

As usual, I summoned all my grace in stating that he better figure out how to cart me along as ‘baggage’, or there would be no guarantee of my presence upon his return (see Sea Turtles).

Weeks and weeks passed in which a tense little cloud settled stubbornly over our home. It was quite uncertain whether logistics would align for me to go along; if we could really afford it, financially (thank you Grandpa Nathan, Grandpa George, and Grandma Mary!); just who would bravely watch all these children (thank you Grandpa Nathan, Uncle Mark, and Aunt Lorraine!)…and then, not even two weeks before his departure date, Damon went online, willy-nilly, clicked a few buttons and voila – I had a ticket. To Paris. A land where, as Edith Wharton explains in ‘French Ways and Their Meanings’, “When one steps from one’s apartment and out onto the sidewalk, the responsibility begins: The costume must be appropriate. The beauty of the city of Paris itself is overwhelming, and those who enter that setting pay homage to it with their appearance.”IMG_2259

Oh my! The pressure of trying to prepare for such a trip in such a short time was enormous. I suffered from low expectations of Paris, high expectations of myself. “How beautiful and sacred can one place be, after all?” I thought skeptically. The bigger question was - how would I – a frumpy, middle-aged, American mom of five  – become a world-traveler worthy of being out and about in the world?

Frantically I booked an appointment at an upscale hair salon. I asked them to schedule extra time for me, place me within the hands of their most gifted hair sculptress. Please! The day of the appointment, I practically jumped into the leather swivel chair. I stared nervously at my pale, puffy-cheeked, wrinkled twin in the mirror; tugged at the floral, button-up, large-lady shirt that suddenly seemed garish even to me; and said with a distinct wobble in my voice – “I’m going to Paris in two days time. Can you help?”

The hair stylist – a young, impossibly hip man with shiny ringlets and a nose ring - paused mightily, then said with an air of candor that I greatly appreciated, “Frankly, dear, your hair is wonderful as is, and will fit nicely in Paris if you keep it brushed and pulled back from your face like this…French women show off their faces, you know! Or perhaps you’d want to swoop it up like this, eh?  So let’s move on. Donc, donc…what is the plan for your wardrobe and accessories? I think that is where our greater focus should lie.”

Like a chastised four-year old my eyes welled with tears. Obviously my shirt was in poor taste. “Yes, yes, of course…” I muttered, already feeling I had brought shame to Paris, pre-visit.  My hairdresser swiveled me around to face him and his shiny, silver nose ring that sprouted like a tiny mushroom from atop his left nostril. I found it impossible not to stare. “For you, my dear, I’m going to suggest - in the strongest and simplest of terms –  all-black. Stick to that, and you will be fine, I think!” With his fingertips he dabbed bits of pomade from a lime green jar straight across my hair-line. The blotting away of years of complacency had begun, it seemed. “Add a bit of color in your scarf, of course, and with your lipstick.”  Here he twirled me back towards the mirror dramatically. “You need lipstick, definitely. You do wear lipstick, right?” He bent to stare at me encouragingly, as you would a child, his ringlets bouncing up and down in bodily agreement. “Have you been to the make-up counter at Macy’s? That would be a good beginning. They’re very helpful there, you know.”

And so I left the hairdressers without getting my hair cut or crafted, only shined, and took to the skies, wearing all black, and with a different colored lipstick tucked into every possible crevasse on my person. And wouldn’t you know…I felt like a much more sophisticated me, swooshing through the clouds. I didn’t have to yell at anyone, only myself! I didn’t have to worry about anyone’s bathroom needs but my own! Tres magique!

When they passed out ‘complimentary’ wine at 30,000 feet, I knew I had entered enchanted airspace indeed. A land of fairy tales. Castles, crepes, cathedrals…entire meals served in custom cocottes! Svelte people in long, black coats began to whoosh past me on mopeds, wrapped always in scarves of classic colors, their aquiline noses pointed high in the air, their words hushed, rapid, lyrical. It felt like I’d entered a James Bond movie. It looked like I’d entered a James Bond movie! Everywhere I turned there were cobblestone streets; black-iron street lanterns; the smell of cigarettes and baguettes and cream heavy in the air; unattainable luxury and intrigue draped behind spiraled stairs and iron doors; row after row of terraced windows.DSC_0021IMG_2258

Damon and I wandered along the Seine like Hansel and Gretel, lost yet enlivened by this strange, candied path we suddenly trod. We couldn’t understand what was said, or where we were headed, but we didn’t care, we were ‘window lickers’ here, content to paw at the beauty aligned along every alley way – secret, hidden gardens tucked behind calligraphied walls; pastries so fluffy and light they crumpled in your hands; massive, magnificent buildings that stretched blocks at a time, where every corner, every soffit, every eave under which one gaped appeared fluted, flourished, festooned in finery of the most fairytalish sort.IMG_2644 IMG_2643

In the darkness, under the stars, on the ceiling of our hotel orange and crimson papillons danced, while I, curled under their golden wings, seemed at long last privy to the party known as ‘Paris’, yet utterly removed from it, too, exhausted and enchanted by turns.IMG_2264

Walking around Paris that first night in a wine-induced, jet-lagged stupor, I realized this was a place I’d heard of my whole life, but didn’t really believe existed. The Paris of legend, of lore, had never intrigued me that much. But in person it felt magical - almost too grand, too classically beautiful, too unsullied by time or advertising or even convenience to believe. “Why would anyone live anywhere else?” I thought almost immediately, wrapping my long, black jacket around me haughtily, my nose suddenly pointed in the air. Damon leaned on a Citroen 2CV parked in the street and paused with an audible ‘Tut, tut’ and he felt it, too, I could tell. Even the cars looked better here!IMG_2263

Back home in America, while growing up, I had been a supremely picky eater (which is odd, in that my family ate very mild, unoriginal food). Yet my brother, sister, and I determined to consume nothing but white bread and pancakes for most of our formative years. Which worked well enough in our household, unless it was a holiday, when guests gathered, proffering the typical American fare – turkey or ham, mashed potatoes, cooked carrots, perhaps some deviled eggs, and of course pies. Lots and lots of pies.

Well, I didn’t like pie. I don’t know why. I just remember being a very small girl and wrinkling my nose at it vehemently. No, I didn’t like it! No I didn’t want even a bite! Honestly I don’t think I knew what pie tasted like…I had never tried any that I could recall, yet still I protested. Then, when I was a teenager I flew to Australia to visit a friend, and her neighbors baked an American Apple Pie which they proudly trotted out soon after my arrival, especially for me (wasn’t that sweet?) and I sat at their dinner table and said nonchalantly, “Oh, I don’t like pie. Thanks, but no thanks.” I ignored their quiet stares of disbelief over my head and didn’t even feel bad until later (much later).

And then one fine day, (who knows where now, or how old I was…I must have been at least eighteen) I ate some pie. Just tried it, like a normal human being. And oh, man! I was disgraced at myself. Shamed beyond words. Because it turns out, pie is delicious! Downright sublime! Good pie is warm and gooey and melty and fruity and crusty and sugary all at once, and are you kidding me…..I’ve lived my whole darn life refusing to eat this deliciousness?

Well, Paris looked and smelled, felt like a whole new kind of pie. Magic Pie. Tourte Magique! And now, after landing in Paris and sleeping beneath papillons, I cannot believe I’ve lived my whole life over here, wearing patterned shirts and going to 7-11 and shopping at Wal-Mart and carting five kids around in a mini-van, etc..while they’ve all lived over there eating millefeuille and macarons and criss-crossing the Pont Alexandre bridge in classically colored scarves and strolling through the Luxembourg Gardens on ponies, mon dieu!IMG_2397DSC_0545

I always knew I was a window-licker at heart. In Paris they have an actual word for it - lèche-vitrine. Which sounds magnifiique when said from behind a newly-purchased scarf and in between bites of Crème Brulee. Trust me…

Speaking Butterfly

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“I like the numbers, the big numbers. More is better. More butterflies are better than fewer butterflies. A river of butterflies is a wonderful thing. Millions of butterflies are the jackpot. I like the largesse, the almost casual gesture, as if a generous earth were whispering into my ear, “See how I replenish myself, see how I birth and birth and birth and darken the skies and fill the waters and cover the ground and still I have more to give.” – ‘An Obsession with Butterflies,’ Sharman Apt Russell1848R-304241

I spy sex, right outside my window. Fornication abounds, close to the ground, there among the pert daffodils and shy daisies, up above each arching stem, deep within the abyss of tulips. No curtains are drawn, no hushed tones required…this sex is on display, for all to see. The world bursts with sex now, and frankly, it is beautiful to behold. The soft, dewy petal - just by its shape, its smell, even its degree of firmness – indicate to the pollinators of the world: Here I am…I’m fertile…let’s copulate! The Flora dancing seductively outside your window, wooing you with their vibrant hues, are not just artistic showstoppers. They’re downright sexy. “Many pollinators are visually oriented. Something catches their eye. They make a decision to come over. A showy display of flowers is a long-distance flag, attracting butterflies from far away. Once the pollinator is up close, the plant needs to send another signal showing which flowers to probe…” This is why flowers burst into titillating color, then fade, then wilt. With artistic clarity, they signal their degree of fertility for everyone to see and enjoy.

And we, the people, soak it up. Shades of coral, fuchsia, butterscotch, and plum quiver in the sunlight, like scantily clad women luring us from the TV screen with bright lipstick, shiny earrings, even sequined bras. Flora use their sweet smells, bold colors, and lush, ‘open for business’ petals.IMG_8225IMG_0490 IMG_6467

It’s a heady thing, this scent of spring, this song of sex. We are creatures, after all, attuned to respond. “When he finds her, he will flutter, and she will flutter, and sweet pheromones will scent the air. Even a human passing at the right moment might pause and sniff, and sniff again. Honeysuckle? Lavender? Jasmine? The pheromones of butterflies have long co-evolved with the sexy scent of flowers promising food and drink (the flowers desiring sex, too) and we have long since taken these scents for ourselves, for our perfumes, and our colognes, for our own longing.”

We are just creatures, after all. Desiring food and sex, attracted by beauty, acting instinctually….like every other species that graces this globe.

I, myself, am particularly wooed by Spring. I want to photograph all of the flora and fauna, the exotic shapes, the swirls of improbable colors flashing from unexpected places. Which is why, for my birthday not long ago, I requested a fairy walk, wherein my twins would don fairy wings, and we would walk somewhere lush and lovely.

The morning of, my girls wanted no part of that. “You always want to go on fairy walks,” they whined. “Can’t we do something else that’s fun, like go to Baskin Robbins?” Juliet suggested.

“How about if we go on just a girl walk?” Katriel declared. “Where we don’t have to brush our hair or teeth, or wear fairy wings, but we’ll stop and pose once in a while, ok?”

I grumbled over this, and stayed insistent, until we finally reached an agreement of sorts: no fairy walk this time, but instead a Butterfly Picnic…how fun! My girls willingly donned butterfly wings, and off we flew, to Discovery Park, where wouldn’t you know, every single person who passed us by stopped to smile, visibly enchanted. Old, young, male, female, it didn’t matter….the human species indeed seems wowed by butterflies!

As we perched on our blanket there in the sunlight, eating pears and chocolate, sipping juice boxes, I watched these growing girls, my beautiful butterflies. Both seemed eager to get up and move, far from ‘mom’ and ‘dad’, as if they needed to float free, away across the shimmering hills, towards a destiny only they could see.IMG_7067

The afternoon passed, and I felt a bit melancholic. The picnic was beautiful, but I was yet another year older and slowing down, while my littles were growing up and soaring ahead… suddenly too big for fairy walks, eager to finish the butterfly picnic and dart off towards the future.

I came home and stared out the window glumly. Where had the time gone? Here I had birthed and birthed and birthed these beautiful babies – five beautiful little butterflies – and they were all flying away. My most cherished gifts to this world aloft on the breeze.

I wandered to the computer, peered at the news headlines, then went back to gazing out the window. Everywhere I saw, heard, felt sex. Rape cases in the news; legislation aimed at curtailing women’s reproductive choices passing in state legislatures, day by day, state after state; even the size of Kim Kardashian’s ass..charted, headlined, documented inch by burgeoning inch.

I journeyed outside, to stand beneath the cherry blossoms; bent low to peer into a half-closed purple tulip; watched as the daffodils raised their yellow and orange trumpets closer to the sun daily. I thought of how my nature walks were really ‘sex’ walks, and no matter anyone’s ‘morals’, we’re all just mammals, driven by the realities and repercussions of sexual activity like any other creature.

Later on, I curled up on the couch and read of the life cycle of the butterfly – its humble beginnings as not much more than a bag of goo – singularly, ravenously hungry. How each lowly caterpillar must navigate and survive five distinct, dangerous growth spurts, known as ‘instars’, before it can even become a chrysalis.

But then – metamorphosis! The stuff of legend, myth, lore. And at its core, pure cellular reconfiguration – morphing, rearranging, sloughing away, acquiring anew. “From the beginning, cells in the caterpillar have been preparing the way, genes flicking on and off…Bang. clang, rebound! This is pinball wizardry, chaos controlled, nothing random. The simple larval eyes dissolve. The butterfly’s complex compound eyes grow from other cells. Legs lengthen and add segments. New muscles develop, some for flight. The huge, dominant stomach shrinks. The sexual organs appear…”

As I read I realize that I, too, have experienced metamorphosis, four times: my cells reconfigured, duplicated, merged…my basic DNA recomposed into new creatures, different than myself. I, too, have experienced an astounding life change, whereby forever after I wander the world with protective wings ready to beat against the wind. I, too, have been transformed, with seemingly new antennae poking from my head, sensing, feeling, seeing landmarks I never cared to heed before. Just like the butterfly, I’ve morphed into a new, more complex creature.

This is the consequence of sex, which females bear alone. For the rest of her life, she is a creature metamorphosed.

Men are biologically free from most repercussions of sex, (unless you are talking about STD’s, which I’m not). In fact, men are free to copulate then fly far, far away and never look back. In many cases, men do.

For men who stick around, rarely do they suffer any day-to-day, real-life consequences of copulation (I dare say most of them don’t even have to wash the sheets!). There is only one place I know of where men can actually be seen to feel the weight of sex, and that is at the doctor’s office on ‘Vasectomy Day’. Nowhere else on Earth has a happier, downright giddy group of human females gathered. We women flip through magazines and slurp on giant Diet Cokes, while our men sit completely rigid, eyes straight ahead, glazed, dazed, oozing fear out every pore. We women don’t care in the slightest. We smile. We give each other covert thumbs-ups. The brazen among us snap a photo or two. Ha, ha, ha, now this is the life! imaginary thought-bubbles above our heads scream. Look at these men – sissies, all of them – scared stiff. At long, long last they know what it’s like for us, time after time, waiting endlessly to be probed, lubed, wanded, splayed open, even cut open by nonchalant, egotistical men…

Inside the ‘Vasectomy Room’ there is no small talk between doctor and patient. Your partner, now just a ‘male species’, spreads himself out on the operating table like a butterfly in a case, each leg bent at the knee and spread to the side, arms pinned overhead, chin up, eyes closed. While the female species, oddly free and unburdened, sits in a vinyl side chair, flipping through House Beautiful, then People, all while smiling quietly to herself, there among the smell and sizzle of cauterised flesh.

The reality is that sex is no easy game to play. For most species, sex is literally life and death. So it goes for the beautiful butterfly. “Apollo butterflies have…abandoned the niceties. Males grab females in flight or capture them on the ground, finding virgins by smell as they hide in the grass. These females have external genitalia that are easy to access by force. After mating, the male secretes and glues a structure called a sphragis over the female’s abdomen, a much more rigid and complex device than the small internal mating plug (that some other species utilize). This chastity belt is meant to last a life-time. It is an extraordinary burden to carry around – heavy, awkward, and in the way of laying eggs…”

I read these words in stunned amazement. It dawns on me that my hopes for more progressive female reproductive choices now seem comical indeed. Women will never, ever see the day when men are willing to give up control over our reproductive fate, our basic sexual freedoms. Not when the biological scale is so heavily tipped in their favor.  “Male apollos still attempt to capture mated females as well as virgins. Young mated females try to fly away or, failing that, struggle with their attackers. An older female is more passive and waits motionless as the male attempts to remove her sphragis. Many females have scarring around their abdomens where the male’s needle-sharp penis has slipped and cut them.”

To learn that some species of butterflies have diaphragms, and that male butterflies force these on them…well, I am speechless. As if I had just scanned the news headlines, I am shocked by the continuing and unabashed male domination of women, not only among human males, but among males of many species. I wonder at the brutal aspect of mere anatomy, too, as not only do these males imprison the females, they then fight to remove the chastity belts of torture by slashing these poor females with their ‘razor-sharp’ penises – oh my!

Once again I stare out the window. Obviously sex is nasty…ugly, bloody, brutal, dangerous, downright debilitating for females so much of the time. Yet it also graces our world with beauty. Beauty that we can’t help but admire and cherish when it is in bloom.

Long ago my littlest niece Holland came to me one day when it was just the two of us and the house was strangely quiet. She tugged on my shirt then said, in almost a whisper, “Auntie, do you speak Butterfly?”

I leaned towards her tiny little pixie face and said no, sadly I didn’t speak Butterfly.IMG_7153

But it turns out that I do speak butterfly. I can hear, clearly, that the world whispers in sex and beauty, haste and hostility, over and over again. I speak butterfly because my wings are spread forever more. My antennae stay alert. Time seems of the essence. I speak butterfly because I’ve birthed and birthed and birthed and darkened the skies and filled the waters and covered the ground and still I have more to give. I speak butterfly because after all, I am a creature metamorphosed.IMG_7142

(All quotes included here come from the book ‘An Obsession with Butterflies’ by Sharman Apt Russell)

Buddha-Bites

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IMG_6530Yesterday I was reminded why life is so hard – not because Damon is out of work, or I’m being sued; my child does not have cancer nor do I bear a handicap that impedes my every action, day after day after day…no, no, no! It’s because of the little stuff. These damn minor irritations, that build and build and swarm around my head like bees. Now I’ll be the first to admit that one, two, even three bees is not that big of a deal – just swat at them and keep moving, right? But get up in the double digits with bees, and suddenly it’s a full-blown panic. I’m frozen in place and professional help might be required.

Yesterday was one of those days…I woke up at 2:30am from a bad dream. Actually, a terrible dream. I won’t go into details, let’s just say it involved tragedy and kids, death and violence. So I awoke, thankfully, and crept downstairs to check on said kids now sleeping on the living room sofas…a status in effect because the night before one of them had had an accident in their bed (the top bunk -ugh!) and I still had work to do to make it sleepable again, so down on the couch they were. And as I bent to tuck the blankets around them and smooth their hair it became fairly obvious that this same child had had another accident, but now on my sofa! (And, might I add, this is not a child who normally has ‘accidents’…so, what the heck?)

I gasped and turned on lights, and my poor girl was startled awake. I made her get up and undress and redress and visit the bathroom and I led her along because she was half-asleep, wet and cold and stinky, and it was all unpleasant and irritating and that was before the other girl woke and sat up to find out what was going on, promptly spilling a spaghetti sauce jar full of water all over her lap, and I had to perform the whole routine again. Finally I had them both back on temporary beds, with fresh blankets, yet a mountain of work awaited me. I unzipped couch cushions, brought soiled linens upstairs and cleaning agents down, scrubbed and squirted, then finally moved cushions here, there, and everywhere to ‘air out’ all while the Professor meowed at my legs and begged for food and generally complained non-stop in the urine-soaked darkness. I meowed right back, and wondered why humans don’t have a ‘general discontent’ sound that emanates from us when conditions deteriorate?

I returned to bed some time after 3am feeling wide-awake and ‘dayish’. I couldn’t sleep at all. I instagrammed, facebooked, scanned the news (SO much irritation!), and finally just lay there in the dark, trying to name places I’d toured that started with each letter of the alphabet. (Turns out I can’t even remember where I’ve been!)

At 6:30 am I was again upright, shuffling kids around. Holland, Lochlan, and the neighbor girl Abby arrived. (Did that sentence give you pause? Three other kids arrived at 7am!) Now nine people navigated our tiny, upturned living room, wandering among the naked couch cushions like aliens warily traversing a new land.

The chaos of these young people readying themselves for school was remarkable. Our little abode shook with noise and mayhem, until at long last the school hour arrived and the sun came out. Ta Da! Miracle of Miracles! I shut the door on the lot with utter relief. Then I stood like a lone, bath-robed survivor amidst the morning’s wreckage, despondently sipping my coffee, while Lochlan crawled beneath the couch cushions like an unperturbed little cave man. Slowly my ‘will to live’ needle crept back towards ‘functioning’. Eventually I dressed, played ball, washed dishes, readjusted couch cushions, and sorted laundry ad infinitum. At lunch time Damon returned from work and we both agreed to go out and about for a bit.

We ate at a little cafe, then wandered down to Green Lake. Lochlan tottered ahead of us, throwing his tennis ball with great gusto and screaming “BALL!” at the top of his lungs. He charged after that thing like a frisky puppy, loping forward on his tiny, bowed legs, while D. and I followed behind, chuckling. When Lochlan lost his focus on the ball and instead stopped to stare at a gaggle of pretty girls, I thought, “This might turn into a pleasant Friday after all!”

Then the sirens began. Many, many sirens. Helicopters appeared in the sky overhead, circling ominously. Damon seemed disconcerted and said we should head home, something was going on… We walked back to the car while silently I fretted. I had school kids traveling home from four various schools just then…please! The sunny day now felt like a facade.

At home we waited anxiously for news. The phone rang and we leapt to answer it, thinking it was from one of the schools. Instead it was an automated call from a medical company, telling us to immediately call back to a particular number to clear an outstanding debt. Damon did just that – he called back to the exact number specified – and after speaking to a real-live human who had no idea why Damon was calling, finally figured out that we owed them some money. Damon offered to pay the bill over the phone. After lengthy technicalities – locating a case number, which we did not have, etc…Damon was informed that our outstanding debt so critical to rectifying was $2.15. Seriously!

Shortly after 3pm we learned there was a shooting near Green Lake and that the police were still searching for the suspect. This meant some of the local schools were on ‘lock down’, or in my children’s case, they were currently ‘sheltering in place’. Damon walked down to the elementary school so the girls could be released, while I stayed back with Lochlan and Annalise, wondering when this country will admit that owning a gun should be AT LEAST as hard as owning a car, for pity sake! Shouldn’t there be a mandatory gun insurance fee if you want to carry a gun, just as people who want to drive a car must pay a monthly car insurance payment? At least then every person’s next of kin might receive some financial compensation after their senseless demise!

Just then the mail arrived, and within the junk and bills was a note from Eli’s school informing me that because of his two unexcused absences this school year, months apart from each other, we would now have to attend a mandatory meeting wherein school officials would ‘discuss attendance concerns’ with us. Attendance concerns? Give me a break! This particular kid missed exactly two days of school this year. Shouldn’t that get him an award? He’d never even been tardy, and he’s a sixteen-year old boy! That the schools would spend money and resources to send out this type of letter, after two absences, seemed ridiculous. My ‘irritation’ meter skyrocketed upwards. I went to the phone and called the man/woman/elf named ‘Tipton Blish’ who’d signed the letter. She was curt and seemed irritated by mebecause I was so unapologetic. She said, “Mrs. Kirk, you have to call when Elijah is absent. That is the rule!” Which prompted me to say something to the effect of…”well, pardon me and my unruliness, but I didn’t call, so can I clear the absences now?” At this Ms. Blish morphed into a rational person and said sweetly, “Sure, no problem, Mrs. Kirk…I’ll do that right now. Thanks for your call.”

Honestly, I hung up the phone more irritated than ever. She didn’t know if I was truly the parent of Elijah, for one, (I could have been one of his friends, after all) and I could have made up any old thing for why he was gone on those two days…which I didn’t, but I could have, so why even bother to have to call in? Why not just EXCUSE the kids from being absent when they are absent, until a CLEAR PATTERN is noted…say – four days not in school…that seems like then maybe your ‘ding, ding, ding, something might be wrong’ bell would make sense for going off. Two absences all year….uff da! I still say they should have been mailing him (and me) an award!IMG_9250

Justly, I decided to award myself, with a container of Ben & Jerry’s ‘Cheesecake Brownie’ ice cream. I sat in the kitchen cross-legged, like a fat, old Buddha, and ate the whole carton. Kids wandered in and out the kitchen door, but I gave them not a lick, not a spoonful. Instead I hurled lollipops at them like darts, which sent them running down the hall with squeals of delight, while I sat peacefully, gobbling up brownie bites wrapped in cheesecake ribbons.

At 5:00 pm Damon left to shuttle Jacob from school to work; Eli left for his school play; Lochlan left for the night; and the three younger girls begged to leave for the school talent show. Again, my irritation meter rose. This annual, three-hour affair (I kid you not!) was not something I wanted to sit through again (my own kid was in the talent show last year and I still felt that way). Lorraine agreed to drop them off (because of the shooter on the loose, remember?), and I agreed, reluctantly, to let them take my cell phone so we could come pick them up when it was over (last year it went long….yes, truly!).

By now I mostly wanted to lie on the sofa in silence. Eventually Damon marched in the door with a bag of piping hot Chinese food, and as he dished me up a plate we agreed to try a new Netflix drama called ‘House of Cards’. I tucked into my still steaming noodles. They tasted (and smelled) exactly like cigarette smoke. It was disgusting. The Mongolian beef was chewy and cheap. My whole dinner seemed inedible, and I complained bitterly to poor Damon, who had just jetted all over town securing the stuff.

So I leaned back, tried to ignore the metaphorically buzzing bees swarming in front of my eyes, and attempted to watch ‘House of Cards’. Within ten minutes I was livid. Not irritated, not annoyed – livid. Because every single lady was prettier than the next, and every man was ugly, creepy, and hard to watch.

The double-standard was agonizing. I realize most shows are this way – men don’t need to be attractive to be on-screen, while women most certainly do…but the sheer audacity of waving the ugliness of these men in my face again and again, all while  the women paraded through each scene in less and less clothing….well, it riled me. And then, not fifteen minutes into the first episode, it went from bad to very, very bad, when Robin Wright’s character uncrossed her bare legs and rose from the sofa to declare to the immovable Kevin Spacey, “My husband should never apologize to anyone…even to me.” And with that she sashayed up the stairs to the bedroom to, I assume, get even more undressed.

Well, I just about flew off the sofa. “Are you kidding me with this?” I screamed to Damon, who until that moment was still happily munching his nicotine noodles. “What woman would say that? No woman, that’s who. No woman, ever! Not unless she was under duress, anyway.” Damon held his fork mid-air and nodded sympathetically. He knew not to argue.

“The least they could do is hire a woman to write the woman’s dialogue, don’t you think?” I yelled. “What 27-year-old guy wrote that crappy line?” Damon picked up the remote and mournfully returned to the Netflix menu. “Some 27-year-old who’s never been married, I can tell you that!” I felt like a Sugarbaker, decrying the injustice of the world right there in my living room.

Calmly, Damon told me to blow out ten candles. “Close your eyes and say ‘Serenity Now!’ like Costanza does,” he implored. Gently he covered me in a urine-free blanket and told me to lie back and relax. He’d fix this. Things would improve. They would!

The opening credits of “Call the Midwife’ began to play. Set in the 1950′s in England, this show detailed the pain and despair impoverished women went through to bear children and subsequently raise them. It was interesting, but not improving my mood much, what with all the screaming and sweating and laboring. Until about the third scene, when one old nun turned to the brand-new, fresh-faced midwife and declared, out-of-nowhere, “I feel we are prompted to go in search of cake…”

I sat up and smiled. The next scene was just the two of them, eating cake. It was so awesome I cheered out loud and said to Damon, “Did you hear that? Did you? Pause it so I can write it down, ok? Now that’s a line actually written by a woman!”

“I feel we are prompted to go in search of cake…”

It’s like the opening of a love story! In that one sentence, uttered amid the agonies of birthing, you have the essence of life itself; a woman’s tale told in one fell swoop!

I sat back and sighed. Suddenly this Friday seemed no different from any other Friday I’d lived through before, and all the Friday’s still to come - lots of bees, a bit of brownie, and more than enough buddha-bites to chew on.IMG_3678

Dab-a-Dab-a-Dab {twang}

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IMG_1331Round and round the living room I twirl, squishy baby cheeks pressed near my heart, rockin’ a little girl, singing breathy bits till her eyes fall, heavy, heavy to sleep. “Three little birdies, outside my window, singing a sweet song, melody pure and true, this is my message to you…”

Sixteen years ago I was doing the exact same thing – dancing back and forth between the walls of a tiny house in Massachusetts, clutching a newborn next to my chest as if he were a swaddled little star dropped from the midst of the swirling heavens, padding back and forth in slippered feet, dropping whispers soft as snow, waiting for slumber.

For the last two weeks, here in Seattle, I have been watching my friend’s newborn little girl, Miss Abigail Rose. She seems such a doll-baby – soft, pink, perfect - her big, blue eyes opening and closing mysteriously, attuned to some other world still. LooktothestarsRoyalAbigailPrettyinpink

I take her picture all day long. Instant message tiny bites of her every action – smiling, napping, cooing – straight to her Mama, working away downtown. I recall the days when I had to drop off my babies in the early morning chill, wrench myself away to work, crying, blurring my mascara alone in the car. Each day trudging forward despite leaving my vitals behind. All day long watching the clock, wondering how my babies were faring (Sadly, no one could IM me pictures of them back then, before iPhones and such).littlewomen

Today my children are nearly grown. Nowadays they march out the door each morning while I’m the one who stays behind, half-dressed, wondering when they will return. What’s a career mom to do when she no longer needs to ‘mother’ full-time? Like so many other folks, I am out of a job, and my prospects for securing new employment don’t look great. Over time my skill-set has whittled down to three main assets: 1) rocking newborns to sleep 2) playing the piano 3) turning cartwheels - none of which seem to be in great demand, nor command much of a salary anywhere at all. I suppose I might qualify for data entry somewhere, if I find the right clothes… brush my hair…hitch up my bra…lather myself with pluck and luck.

Yet suddenly, instead of looking for a job outside the house, work has come to me! A baby, who needs tending until her Grandma comes to town. I happily agree. What could be more ideal?

Immediately a time-warp sets in.  Round and round I spin, till I’m right back where I was at 24, walking the halls with a baby attached to me. Here I was thinking the end of mothering was near, but wonder of wonders, the path stretches before me once again - this land of blankies and binkies and pure, unblemished faces. And I begin again as eager and ill-prepared as I was eighteen years ago.

Every day I entertain my one year old boy with books and blocks and balls. Each day I dress up my itty-bitty girl in bonnets or scarves, pin-stripes or polka-dots. I teeter-totter between the two of them, back and forth, marveling at how I went anywhere or did anything when I had three…then twins….boy howdy, you forget what a lot of toil and energy young creatures require of their mothers!IMG_0946

Finally 4pm arrives, and Abigail’s mom or dad return to swoop her up with visible relief. They smother her with kisses and carry her home.

And I am left with little Lochlan, who screams, roves, claws at my pants-leg, begs to be carried now that ‘Dab-a-Dab-a-Dab’ (his version of ‘Abigail’) has departed.IMG_9876

He has me all to himself, or so it seems. Yet Eli swoops in, demanding food, telling me his high school was on ‘lockdown’ today, describing two big fights at lunch, begging me to find his Crew clothes and make him jam toast, please, please, please?

Annalise arrives with oboe in hand, clutching permission slips to be signed, texting her friends, searching for scissors and tape, ribbon and glue. In no time at all her shoes are embalmed in glitter glue, her hair braided then unwound, Grape Juice spilled all over her bed, every last possession thrown hither and yon, overturned, upended, searching for what’s previously been thrown to the floor.

Juliet, Katriel, and Holland run circles through the downstairs, begging to hold the baby, begging for snacks, begging for help with homework or tying shoes. They want help finding badminton rackets, a pencil sharpener, band aids, some crayons, Katriel’s library book, Holland’s lost baggie of goldfish crackers, Mia’s phone number…on and on it goes. These little women argue over who pulls the train for Lochlan, who changes the baby’s diaper, who gets more strawberries in their bowl, who stirs the macaroni without spilling any, who can hold the baby…now, now, now!IMG_0934IMG_0936IMG_1304

Jacob wanders in and out the front door as I lead my fragile charges between couches and beds and bouncy chairs like horses to and from their stalls. I slice bananas, change diapers, find blankets, warm bottles, all while he and his new girlfriend swoosh past me, hand in hand, coming and going who know’s where? I try to smile. Say hello. Pull up my pants, play the part. Wonder if this grown child of mine is actually going to his job, doing his school work, showing up for class, being responsible?

One morning the nurse from the elementary school calls.  Juliet’s sick. Stomach cramps, appendicitis, she really can’t say. Tells me she’s pale and shaky with lots of pain. I worry that it’s ileus – a kink in the intestines (which she’s had before) and sigh. Here I thought that was behind us! (Or is it staring us in the face once again?)

Babies are stuffed into buntings, shoes are pulled from beneath sofa cushions, pants are buttoned, coats zipped, cuffs rolled up, bottles collected, car keys located, then off we go – haltingly, baby-step by baby-step, out the door, yet it feels like so much more – like an expedition is underway, a great, big, vast journey, and I’m the unwitting guide, forced to carry gear and act knowledgeable and remember facts and locate essentials and enforce safety and explain patiently and still push this tribe forward, step by tiny step.

Damon appears at dinnertime; Lochlan and Holland head home; I am done. My back hurts from carrying babies, my head hurts from all the noise, my inner self longs for quiet and stillness. I head upstairs, while Damon starts dinner.

After a bit Katriel knocks on my door. She finds me lying on top of the massive piles of unfolded laundry scattered over my bed. “Do you want to read me a story?” she asks, with the innocent chirp of a nine-year-old. “No,” I mutter. “I’m so tired. I need to rest for a bit.”

“Would you like me to pat your head?” she offers sweetly. “We could watch ‘Good Luck Charlie’ together.” I nod. This actually sounds nice. Katriel crawls over the laundry and settles in next to me, while I flop my head onto a pillow resting atop her tummy.

After a minute or so Katriel stops running her fingers through my hair and says sheepishly, “Mom, your hair is really greasy and dirty…when is the last time you had a bath?”

I sigh. “I don’t know. How many days since Dab-a-Dab-a-Dab’s been here?”

“Um…she’s been here over a week, Mom! Gross!” Katriel groans. “You need to get in the tub, pronto!”

I tell her I’m too tired. “Come on, I’ll make the tub nice and warm for you,” she says, tugging gently on my hand.

I follow her downstairs and force myself into the warm water. Katriel brings me a towel from the dryer. Then she carries in a little step stool and places it next to the tub. “Here’s your wine,” she says, carefully setting a full glass of wine down with a flourish. “And wait, there’s more! I said I was going to make it nice, but I’m really going to make it super nice, just for you!”

Katriel next appears with two candles, which she lights and sets next to the wine on the step stool. Then she says, “Would you like me to play for you now?”

“Yes, please!” I feel immensely better already. My girl scampers off and returns with a banjo slung over her chest. She sits herself down on the toilet lid and begins to strum out the one chord she knows, over and over. After awhile she is singing along to the up-and-down twang. And this is what she sings, word for word:

Mommy’s in the tub

Washing her hair

With soap and stuff

That spreads around

Like an oil spill

Where duckies swim

Amidst it all…

Till people come

And scoop them up

And clean them off

With soap and stuff

Just like Mommy soaking

in the tub…

Here she stops to breathe and I beg her never to stop. This moment needs to linger, both in real-time and in memory.

Of course eventually she grows tired, and I exit the tub, only to dash, naked, out to the computer desk to copy down her lyrics. Then I head straight back to bed. I throw all of the clean clothes onto the floor and crawl under the covers. Katriel returns clutching a book and slides in beside me.

“Now I will read you a story,” she declares triumphantly, waving her library book in my face. “But wait! First you should brush out your hair so you don’t get tangles, right, Mom?” I nod reluctantly. “Don’t worry,” she says…”I will wait for you.”

I do as instructed and brush out my hair. Then Katriel tucks the covers around me once again and says, “This book is called ‘The End of the Beginning’ by Avi, and it is all about the adventures of a small snail and an even smaller ant.”

I put my head back on my daughter’s tummy and listen to her read:

“The two adventurers were going along. Avon was singing.

“Stop!” cried Edward. “We’ve reached the end of the branch.”

With great care the two creatures edged to the very tip. From there they looked out at the cloudless sky.

“The end of the branch,” said Avon, mostly to himself.

“The beginning of the sky,” said Edward, mostly to himself.

“Which is it?” asked Avon. “The beginning or the end?”

“It depends on what there’s more of, the tree or the sky…Think of all the things that get in your way along the branch – leaves, bark, other creatures, a million things to slow you down. Now look at the sky.”

Avon looked. “There’s nothing there.”

“Exactly. Which means that it will take longer to climb the branch. And if it takes longer, the branch must be bigger. And if the branch is bigger than the sky, that means we’re at the sky’s end, but only at the beginning of the branch.”

“You mean,” asked Avon, quite amazed, “that after all this time, we’re just beginning?” I had no idea how far you have to go before you can start. Almost makes me want to stop.”

“You can’t do that, either,” said Edward severely.

“Why?”

“Can’t very well stop if you haven’t started, can you?”

“Edward,” cried Avon, “I never knew how important it was to start before you begin.”

And turning around, they began.

Lying in my warm cocoon, I begin to drift away. With my eyes closed I listen as her sweet, pure voice continues on…

Cik, cik, cik, cik, cik, cik.

“What’s that?” asked Avon.

“A cricket,” explained Edward. “Isn’t it irritating the way all crickets sing the same song? That’s the trouble with most creatures. They have no creativity. They do the same thing, the same way, day in, day out, from parent to child, without ever doing anything differently.”

…my littlest girl, now – right now - perches at the end of her own beginning! Merrily she turns the page on a new adventure. And I am at peace. IMG_4808

Island Barbie

The dreaded flu lingers. For days and days and days, in fact every day of the year so far, we’ve had fevers and sore throats, unsettled stomachs and spilled Gatorade, achy bones and frazzled nerves. I can’t tell whether the general grumpiness is due solely to the germs, or whether it also has to do with our particular family history - you see, every three years we seem to catch the flu en masse, then quickly spiral down into madness.

Back in 2010 we caught the flu, which morphed into pneumonia for everyone in the family. Damon had pneumonia, too, but that didn’t seem like quite enough. No, no, he went all out, and after being sick for weeks on end he woke up one morning with bubbles in his lungs and skin the color of a ripe banana. At which point I dragged him into the doctor’s. They immediately put him in the hospital with autoimmune hemolitic anemia, which meant he needed oxygen and a ‘warm’ blood transfusion…you know, the stuff of nightmares.

Then, three years before that, there was the spring of 2007, when the twins were just four years old, Annalise was seven, and the boys were ten and twelve. Damon went away to ‘work’ on a week-long business trip (to a five-star hotel on the big island of Hawaii!) while I stayed home to ‘mother’, which consisted of cleaning the kitchen and manning the school run yet again. Accordingly (the universe being what it is) every last one of my offspring caught a ferocious, vomity flu the moment Damon took to the skies. Presciently, it also happened to state ‘Mother’s Day’ on the calendar, which felt less like a one-day event and more like a permanent pox upon my house.

By the time Damon returned a week later I was in the full throes of a nervous breakdown. I was depressed, furious, despondent that my life had ended up in a never-ending shuffle between the laundry room and toilet while somehow Damon’s life had ended up in a hammock in Hawaii, swimming with sea turtles.

Weeks, months, almost a whole year passed, during which time I was overcome with melancholia. Then one weekend in March, Damon came home and told me to pack some suitcases…he was taking all of us on a surprise vacation.

My mood improved instantly. We drove to the ferry crossing in Newport Beach, but not before Damon stopped the car in front of a megastore and told me to run in and grab lots of sunscreen. While I was in the check-out lane I saw bikinied barbies lined along the top of the candy kiosk, waving merrily just to me, the words ‘Island Adventure Barbie’ flung across their heads like a crown. Instinctively I grabbed one for each girl, and a Bionicle for each boy, thinking this might just go down in history as the happiest day of our lives.

My giddiness was short-lived. The ferry crossing was a nightmare. Apparently the seas were ‘rough’ – a 7 out of 8 on a daily scale or something like that, and the ferry crew told our family and the other two couples who were crossing to sit down, buckle up, prepare for Armageddon!

Truly it felt like the end of the world. That boat rolled and rocked, dipped and dove, turned sideways and flew up and down. Within two minutes everyone on board sans me and one other lady and the crew were vomiting non-stop. Even the little lap-dog could be heard retching from its cage.

I sat petrified in my seat, barely breathing, trying desperately not to lose my lunch, while Damon took all five kids back a few rows away from me. He sat there for hours while we lurched ever forwards. Kid after kid threw up all over the place. Damon threw up as well, but he never asked me for help, or sent kids up my way, or failed in his task of taking care of every one of those sick, shivering little bodies the entire way across the sea so that my yearned-for vacation wouldn’t be marred by vomit yet again.

Eventually we did dock, the boat ceased rolling, and we were able to stand, wipe ourselves off, then stumble down the gangplank onto the gorgeous island of Catalina. (If only I had possessed an iphone in those days! These photos are pathetically bad…) You’ll have to picture the seven of us marching down the gangplank covered in vomit, like some creepy Tim Burton/Sound of Music mash-up, yet all smiling happily – not only because we’d survived that treacherous crossing, but because finally, truly, at long, long last, we were stepping into paradise!IMG_0369

We headed straight to our hotel, situated right at the harbor’s edge, and immediately Damon inquired about a laundromat, because everyone was flat-out disgusting. (These were not clothes that could be rolled up and washed later….No siree!)

The hotel attendant covered her face with a kleenex and politely (in hushed tones) told us to take our clothes around the corner to a little courtyard. If we walked all the way to the back, we’d find a laundromat.

Lickety-split we ran to our rooms, changed our clothes, washed everyone’s face and brushed teeth…then set off again. We found the courtyard just where she’d said it would be, canopied by enormous palms of every variety, and sure enough, there was a laundromat right there. Damon and the boys set to work on the clothes, while I hung out in the courtyard, watching as the girls ran with unbridled abandon around the planters full of ‘tropical island foliage’. For once my three girls were all getting along and laughing with each other, running their ‘Island Adventure’ Barbies through the  leafy greens while enormous colorful birds perched among the bushes like Disney characters.IMG_0283 IMG_0285

Pretty soon the clothes were spinning and so, too, were our empty stomachs. There was a restaurant right at the edge of the harbor which welcomed us in, and there we found a sea view, a vast bar, and a floor littered with peanut shells. Amazingly, small birds flew in and out the open windows to snatch peanut shells off the floor, then off they flew again, happy customers indeed!

All seven of us, looking frazzled and unkempt for sure, sat in a huge booth while the waiter brought each kid root beer in glass bottles. Birds swooped back and forth overhead. Peanut shells were cracked and thrown onto the floor with great abandon. A jukebox sat right on the table that played music. Rarely have I been happier in all my life.IMG_0377

After dinner we walked along the edge of the dappled cove while some kids chased birds and other kids collected rocks and still others wrote “Happy” over and over in the sand. At last we headed back to our hotel room, to make up beds on the floor for the twins (there are never enough beds when you have five kids!), and hunker down for the night, tired but content.IMG_0397 IMG_0382 IMG_0324

Not long after the lights were off Juliet sat up from her spot on the floor and yelled, “My Barbie’s lost! She’s gone!”

Lights came back on. Bags were unzipped and dumped all over the floor. Katriel and Annalise’s Barbies were procured post-haste. But alas – even after every nook and cranny of those hotel rooms was scoured…no Barbie for Juliet!

My four-year-old cried and cried. “My Island Adventure is ruined!” she wailed,  inconsolable. As she wept I tried to talk her through where she could have left Barbie…in the restaurant, down at the beach?

“No, no, she’s not there.” Juliet moaned. I told her we’d retrace all of our steps in the morning but still she cried.

It seemed like forever before she relaxed and drifted off. I shut my eyes and wondered if our few-hours old Island Vacation was indeed doomed. Finally I slept.

“I know where she is!” Juliet shouted suddenly, shattering the dark stillness. I awoke startled and disoriented. Juliet was standing over me, yanking on my blanket.  “Mom! I know where Barbie is. She’s by the big bird where we washed the clothes! Let’s go!”

I told her repeatedly it was too dark to go fetch Barbie now, that she’d be safe until morning, that we’d go get her first thing. Juliet did not like that answer at all. She cried that Barbie was alone and afraid, that outside it was dark and cold, couldn’t Daddy go rescue her right now? (Um…No!)

At daybreak Juliet was up and dressed in no time at all. “Let’s go!” she kept yelling. Everyone else shuffled around and dressed grumpily, not knowing where anything was, tripping over suitcases on chairs and beds on the floor, etc….

Yet somehow we made it out the door before 8am, then ran down the street after Juliet. In the courtyard she made a bee-line for the bird. Every leaf was lifted, the birds and courtyard searched inch by inch, yet Barbie was nowhere to be found. Ack! Barbie was not there.

Juliet was heart-broken. She cried and cried while Annalise and Katriel clutched their Barbies close to their chests with worried little frowns on their faces.

We led our sad tribe down to the beach where the other kids played happily again. Juliet threw herself down on the sand in despair.DSC08136 After awhile we ate breakfast in a cute little cafe, while Juliet sat in her chair and cried. “Where did she go?” she whispered.

No one had an answer.

After I’d had some coffee it dawned on me that maybe one of the shopkeepers had picked up Barbie. I suggested we go back when the shops opened and ask around.

An eternity later ten o’clock rolled around and there we were, back in the courtyard, peering into the bushes yet again. Damon and the boys retraced their every move within the laundromat. Meanwhile I went and asked each storekeeper if they had seen a Barbie while Katriel and Annalise waved their dolls in the air and Juliet whimpered. At last, in one of the stores, after seeing the other two girls’ dolls, two Mexican ladies smiled and clapped their hands together excitedly. “Yes, yes, flying Barbie!” one lady said.

They led us out to the courtyard and motioned up to the trees overhead. We peered up, baffled. Yet lo and behold…there was Island Barbie, flying through the trees, both arms outstretched, smiling down at us all with her hair sailing behind her, dappled by sunlight. Juliet screamed with joy.

“How did she get up there?” I gasped. (She was very high up in the tree!) The ladies smiled mischievously. One bent over and patted Juliet’s back. “She flew up high, yes?”

Juliet’s expression at that precise moment is one I will never forget. “My Barbie can fly!” she gushed, breathless with wonder.

One of the ladies laughed and said, “Yesterday we see her, way up high, with all the pretty birds. Maybe she try to fly away, too?”

As the other girls squealed and jumped and ran to tell Damon and the boys, Juliet clasped her hands to her chest, looking for all the world like she might explode with happiness. “My Barbie can fly!” she said again, still amazed. One of the ladies went and got a broom from her store while Damon and the boys emerged from the laundromat. They laughed and laughed when they saw Barbie way up in that tree, dangling there in her bikini. Damon climbed up onto the planter wall and strategically tapped Barbie with the broom handle, so that down she flew, right towards Juliet’s out-stretched arms.

After that, our Island Adventure continued on, but suddenly life felt a bit more magical than it ever had before.IMG_0386

As I recall these moments, five years later, Juliet lies on the sofa, burning with fever. Damon is again away on business. And truthfully the pox seems perched once more over our front door.

But I am still here, pouring Gatorade, scrubbing the floor, running to the store…inhabiting this island called ‘mothering’ whatever the weather. Because it’s darn near impossible to escape this place once you’ve docked on its shores. And even though sometimes I, too, fling myself to the top of a tree, yearning to flee, mostly I sit in the sand alongside every other mom and watch my children play. With my hair in disarray, half-naked, with Ken nowhere to be seen, still I sit. IMG_0292

Because there are indeed moments of magic amongst the mayhem. There is pleasure despite the pox. There are bills and bile, but bliss too. And every so often, as I glance up from yet another load of laundry or sink full of dishes, there it is – that dazzling vista smacking me in the face, reminding me of all the beauty yet to come.IMG_0387

And that is why I stay on this Island, day after day after day; year after year after year; flu after flu after flu….for the view.IMG_0380IMG_0318 IMG_0393

Tears in the Rain

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Holland in the rainThis morning I made Holland wear a raincoat, and boy howdy did the tears pour down. “I hate this jacket!” she screamed, all the way down Abby Hill towards school. Juliet tried to hold her hand but Holland wouldn’t have it. Rain poured from the sky while I sighed and turned towards home, eyes peeled for the Asian man with missing teeth.

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It’s been a weird start to the year over here. We were invited out to Hood Canal by my good friend Margie, to welcome in the New Year at her family’s year-round vacation home. This vast, glass-encased house sits right at the edge of the inlet, with endless views of mountains, forests, rivers, Oh My! It’s overlooked by a wooded enclave that is home to eagle nests and beaver dams, and there is a protected lagoon that fills with water when the tide comes in, and Oh My! It’s truly the kind of place that leaves one speechless.IMG_9271 IMG_9688 IMG_9217

The entire time we were there the weather was perfect. I don’t mean nice, or adequate, I mean….divine. The sun shone on a pristine world sparkling with crisp, glittery abandon. Gaggles of kids paddled up and down the Canal in kayaks; groups of humans scampered end-to-end through forests; little girls in fairy wings swung from trees with audible “Whees!”IMG_9745 IMG_9755 IMG_9740 IMG_9696 IMG_9737 IMG_9248 IMG_9700

New Year’s night we reluctantly packed our bags and boarded the ferry towards home. Suddenly I felt ill. My head hurt, my throat ached, I yearned to lie down on the plastic ferry bench and close my eyes.

Yet I kept it together, remaining upright clear across the Sound, till at last we disembarked on firm ground. While Damon sped towards home, I realized I’d received five frantic phone calls from my mom. My sister was terribly ill, and I needed to take her to the ER, stat.

That night I sat next to her bed in the Emergency Room, feeling horrible, but thanking my lucky stars I wasn’t as sick as Lorraine. No matter how poorly I felt, all I had to do was peer sideways to find someone experiencing much, much worse.

The next morning, finally home and in bed, found me wretched. My head pounded. My throat burned. I couldn’t breathe out my nose at all. My legs ached badly, as did my back. I tried to get out of bed and function, but I couldn’t.

So it was that four terrible days passed, in which I seemed more beastly than human. During that time I dragged myself around as needed, lying on the sofa in between scooping Lochlan’s ‘Tractor’ board book out of the toilet; pouring yet another glass of Gatorade; frantically helping Annalise find her oboe.

Occasionally, from this fog, I’d glance at my iPhone and scan the headlines or Facebook. It seemed everyone was pointing out their New Year’s Resolutions, which, from afar, seemed grand indeed – lose twenty pounds; go vegan; release yet another instant best seller, etc…

My New Year’s resolution quickly boiled down to one thing: get dressed. If only! Day after day I woke hopeful, only to find I still could not muster the strength to change my shirt. I felt too feeble, too head-achy, too ill.

It was on one of these morings, as I lay curled on the sofa in a fetal position, that our doorbell rang. Immediately one of my girls ran and opened the door. Standing there was an Asian man with missing and rotted out teeth, telling us he had weeded our yard and needed $30.00. His accent was almost unintelligible, yet I recognized him as the same man who had appeared in our yard shortly before Christmas, begging to weed for cash. Damon had obliged, and this man promptly spent about an hour ‘weeding’ our little eden, which mostly consisted of him ripping out all the plants. Afterwards, Damon paid him $30.00 and wished him a Merry Christmas.

Now, in my robe, with my mouth hanging open due to mouth-breathing, and my eyes half swollen shut, I peered outside. Sure enough, this man had rolled our trash can around and had it sitting in our yard, as well as a rake and shovel he had retrieved from the outside shed down below our house.

I was flabbergast. I told him I was sick, to come back later when Damon was home. Instantly he was angry. “I weed your yard!” he yelled, or that’s what I think he yelled, over and over. I nodded (I think) and said again that he’d need to come back later. “What time he home?” this man kept demanding. I told him after 4 pm. When I shut the door, he was still standing there, yelling.

Inside I carefully latched the door, then asked the girls if he had earlier rung our bell, to ask if he could garden. They all shook their heads, no. I felt unsettled and disturbed, yet I curled back up on the sofa and shut my eyes. It was mere minutes later that I realized this man was peering in at me through the living room window, right above my head.

It was so creepy! I bolted upright and ran to the door. I yelled at him to go away. Slowly he sauntered toward the gate while I watched from inside. There, on the sidewalk outside our home, he paced back and forth.

I closed every curtain, locked the door again and again, then sat back down, petrified, and thought about guns. We don’t believe in guns in our house, or guns at all, really. But I had no idea if this man liked guns, or had a gun. Everyone in our little house was suddenly tense and silent. At last Katriel came and sat down next to me. After awhile she asked, “Our our lives in trouble now, Mom?” Her question stunned me with it’s accuracy, because it pinpointed exactly what I was wondering myself.

“Maybe, my love,” I coughed. “Maybe. But probably not. Any awful thing can happen anywhere, any ole’ time. But let’s keep the doors locked, ok?”

A few hours passed in which I felt like a vigilante, pacing back and forth inside our dark, curtained home, peering out the front window every two minutes.

At last I felt this man had truly gone, and I realized it was probably time to get dressed. My New Year’s Resolution suddenly seemed urgent. After all, I didn’t want to face the police or be shot to death in rabid pajamas.

So I labored up the stairs and began the arduous task of putting on a bra and clean shirt. And that was when I heard Juliet frantically yell, “He’s back, Mom! He wants to talk to you right now!”

Boy howdy, I flew down those stairs! Sure enough, this same man was standing right there in my living room. Not over by the door, but right in the middle of my house. “Get out!” I instinctively yelled, shoving my arms straight out at him.

He seemed unmoved and said, “I weed your yard. You pay me $30.00!”

I told him repeatedly that I had no money. (This was ironic, in that it was probably the one time in the last five years when I actually did have $30.00 cash in my wallet.) “I’m sick!” I yelled feebly, coughing and gasping and shoving him with grand arm gestures towards the door.

“You need to get out!” I said again, after he repeated, for the hundredth time, how I needed to pay him.

I went and opened the front door and then came back and pushed this man out onto our landing. “Please come back when my husband is here!” I begged (Which pains me to type out, because it seems so sexist and wimpy of me…).

He asked again when Damon would be home. I told him, again, then slammed the door and locked it. He stood outside while I yelled at him to go away. “You are making me nervous!” I screamed.

He then leaned right up next to the glass over the front door and yelled that he knew some people were making a lot of noise in our yard that morning, that the police had come, but it wasn’t him. He assured me it wasn’t him. His English was very poor, and I had trouble making sense of what he was saying, so panicked was I just on the other side of the glass, but the gist of his message was that he had been there that morning, someone had called the police, yet he wanted me to know there was no wrong-doing on his part.

I felt more ill than I had previously thought possible. And suddenly mad. What was this man doing? Was I supposed to pay him for doing something in my yard that I had never asked him to do? From my weakened state, the yard looked exactly as it had before. If he had weeded, it certainly didn’t show.

I unbolted and opened the front door, irate enough to feel calm, and said, “What is it you want from me?”

He looked startled, and floundered around for words for a bit. “I weed your yard. You pay me now.”

“Look,” I said, “We didn’t ask you to weed our yard. And I don’t have money to keep giving you. I have five kids too, you know, and we don’t have a lot of extra money. We don’t have enough to pay you to be our gardener.”

At this the man turned angrily and walked out my gate, right on down the street.

I stood at the door for a long, long time. I told the girls to bring me the phone, so that if he reappeared I could call the police immediately.

He didn’t reappear until after 4 pm. Damon went outside to talk to him, gave him $10.00 cash, then told him in no uncertain terms to leave and never come back, ever, or he would call the police.

And he hasn’t come back. But neither has the sunshine. We now lock the doors the moment someone comes in or out. I fret every time the postman or anyone else unexpectedly opens the front gate. And I stand at attention, eyes steely as a hawk’s, ever vigilant for an asian man with missing teeth, while the girls march down the hill towards school.

For the past few days, as I’ve huddled beneath the swirling vapors of the humidifier, I’ve wondered about him - if he has kids or a wife, if he is homeless, on drugs….and of course, most of all, does he have a gun? I’ve pondered how we can realistically help him so he doesn’t keep showing up on our doorstep; or whether it’s safe to help him at all?

Ever since we’ve been back from Hood Canal it feels like the rain has just poured down with no end in sight. It was sunny and beautiful there, but here it feels soggy and messy… just plain yucky whichever way I turn.

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This morning Holland did not want to wear that rain coat. It was cold and raining heavily, so I physically shoved her arms into Annalise’s pink, plastic parka and zipped it clear to her chin. Her bottom lip quivered and she began to cry. I pulled the hood tight over her head and told her she had to wear it to school, but then she could wad it up and shove it to the bottom of her backpack.

My seven-year-old niece stomped out the front gate, crying hysterically. “I hate this coat!” she screamed, over and over. I sighed and walked behind, on the lookout for danger.

Before she reached the bottom of the hill I grabbed her hunched shoulders and turned her around to face me. “It’s my job to protect you, Holland.” I said. “In this great big world, that’s the only true job your auntie has. And I’m going to do it, whether you want me to or not, in the small ways that I can.”

She rolled her eyes and stomped away, while Juliet ran near her side, trying desperately to comfort her, saying, “Don’t worry, Holland! No one at school will even know you’ve been crying. You know why? Because no one can see tears in the rain!”

I stood on the sidewalk as drops of water dripped down my own cheeks as well, and watched them go. Then I turned towards home, hoping my small ways would be, could be, enough.IMG_9651

Faireality

IMG_0596This year my girls were lucky enough to be invited down to Eugene, Oregon to model some fairy/dress up costumes for the oh-so-talented costume designer Richelle Rudeen, of EllaDynae Designs. (www.elladynae.com)

As you can see, these handmade dresses are truly magical.fairies IMG_4734IMG_0244

These are not professional photos, mind you, just pictures I took with my iPhone and morphed a bit using different photo apps. There’s a secret ingredient in all of the EllaDynae dresses, though - they alter reality for the little girls who step into such tufts and twirls of fancy. With a bit of fabric and finesse, my girls were transported to far-away lands, full of dazzle and delight the likes of which only they could discover.IMG_0780

That my children, your children, our children can journey into ‘faireality’ - a place far removed from the black and white limitations of the concrete world – is the essence of childhood itself. Here they inhabit a state of enhanced reality, full of enchantments galore. It’s a cherished time of life, an essential time, wherein their ever-expanding minds bask in beauty, frolic in fantasy, run through rainbows.IMG_5880

As I, a grown up with both feet planted firmly in ‘reality’, peer out my window I see nothing less than twinkling lights, mischievous elves, and candy-cane ribbons - it’s almost Christmas. This is another cherished, magical time, a now-universal form of ‘faireality’, where love and joy appear ’round every corner and mystical kindness supposedly rains down on us all. IMG_4917

Yet even at Christmas time innocent worlds can be breached; childhoods can be curtailed; dreams can – and are - dashed into a million pieces. Instead of playing in the hundred-acre-woods, precious youth are pierced with hundreds of bullets…round after round of ammunition, fear, and hate destroying their tender, vibrant bodies.

This is a travesty of life itself. That one person’s ‘Fair Reality’ can rip to shreds an innocent child’s ‘faireality’.

Is it fair that your right to bear arms supersedes our children’s right to a safe and secure world? Is it fair that in your reality ‘guns don’t kill people’, even though statistically, factually, guns do kill around 10,000 Americans each and every year?

I am tired of the argument that all of us Americans have the right to bear arms for protection against a possible, one day, someday wrong-doing. When the constitution was written, there was one type of gun – a rifle – which took time, patience, and skill to load and fire. Most importantly, after it was loaded and aimed, this rifle could fire one shot. If you want the right to bear arms, then bear a rifle from the 1700′s and enlist in “a well-regulated militia”. That’s the only right the constitution grants you.

Any person who buys a gun that can fire hundreds of shots is a coward at heart. And we grown ups should start saying that, loud and clear. Arming yourself with an assault weapon is nowhere close to ‘sport’ or ‘protection’ - it is a purposeful step towards mass destruction of human life!

I want a new kind of Fair Reality for the children of this country. A land that allows them to frolic over rainbows without it raining bullets every time someone slips into anger or depression or irrational hatred. A Fair Reality in which all of the children still residing in their own ‘faireality’s’ are alive to wake up on Christmas morning and open their presents from the jolly, wise, kind-hearted old man, – you know, the one who’s more interested in spreading gifts of love and kindness throughout the world than in amassing deadly weapons for some violent ‘what if’ scenario.

Let’s write ban all assault weapons on our Christmas list this year, can’t we? Don’t our children deserve a childhood outlined not by fear, but rather kindness, faith, trust – you know, all those things we sing about ad infinitum this time of year…peace on earth, goodwill to men?

How about we all – each and every one of us - put down our guns and pick up our kids instead. That would be a faireality, indeed!IMG_0302

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